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"Please take this list with you and implement it where you can. Together we'll make this game a better place" |
So, now the end is near. As you are almost certainly aware, Voiceoffootball closes its doors tomorrow and, like a South American signed by Newcastle, disappears into the ether. I, for one, am sad. Now, I’ll have to return to forcing my football opinions onto anyone who’ll listen and shouting randomly at cars. Cyberspace just won’t have the same appeal anymore. With this in mind, I felt I should end my column with a bit of a rant as I have a burning desire to get things off my chest before the plug is pulled - a bit like Room 101 but with football. If you’ve managed to stay with my column over the last six months, then you may recognise some common themes.
So, Ladies and Gentleman, I present my ten-point manifesto of things that should be banished from football forever: **** 1. Three at the back English teams can’t play it. Yes, I know we did in Euro 96 but that was ten years ago. Whilst appreciating that there have been a few European sides who have achieved success with this formation, we should finally accept that it’s simply not for us. In fact, in the English game, three at the back has simply become the weapon of choice for the desperate manager... and it never works (see Croatia vs England as a shining example). No matter at what level of the game it is employed, the story is always achingly familiar – your full backs, not used to running so much, play as they normally would and leave the defence far too deep. In midfield, essentially a man down, your team is overrun leaving the opposition to attack at will. Meanwhile, two of your centre-halves play as normal whilst the third looks around in bewilderment, repeatedly asking where he should stand at corners. 2. Billionaires Does anyone else wish they’d
all just p**s off? When he was skirting around the
reserves at places like Villa and Portsmouth, you may have
been surprised to learn that Peter
Crouch had “a good touch for a big man”. However,
with most people having seen him play over the last two seasons
in the Premiership, Champions League and Internationals, including
the World Cup, we now know that this is indeed true. So, is
it really necessary for us to be informed of this during every
single game he plays? What players say: “I made my name here at Lyon/Ajax/Marseille (delete as applicable) but it has always been my dream to play for Liverpool/Arsenal/Chelsea/Man Utd (delete as applicable). I am happy here but deep down my heart is with Liverpool/Arsenal/Chelsea/Man Utd. I hope they will give me my dream.” What they really mean: “I make a decent amount of money here but some Russian/American (delete as applicable) has just offered me a wheelbarrow full of folding stuff and some golden boots to come and play for him. To top it off, I’ll happily rip up my contract and never play for you again if you don’t flog me.” Do they think we’re stupid? Why? Why? Why? There’s no need. You’ve just scored. Why on earth do you need a five second blast of James Brown? Is scoring not good enough for you people? Just enjoy it! And please don’t dance - all it does is make you look a bit silly on Match of the Day. 6. Ronaldo’s step-overs Love him or hate him, he’s a class player. However, when he first came his flurry of step-overs were exciting and new - now they’re very, very obvious and irritating. They also never seem to get him anywhere. Earlier this season, George Boateng suggested that Ronaldo’s showboating may see him get a broken leg for his trouble. I’ll have a fiver on this happening next season... 7. Being patronised for supporting a small club “Who do you support?” Case rested your honour. 8. The ‘Card Wave’ The generic term for a player motioning to the referee that his opponent should be cautioned by mimicking a card being shown. This is seen mainly in European competition but has recently crept into the English game. I believe the punishment for this action should be immediate dismissal... or perhaps the loss of an arm... or death. That’ll teach ‘em. 9. Celebrity fans The scourge of the modern game, they are a phenomenon not seen until the mid-90’s but are now ubiquitous. Some, like Russell Brand, even have their own newspaper columns in which they appear never to have seen a game or, in fact, been inside a football ground. Therefore, I propose a lifetime ban from all football grounds for Tony Blair, Chris Moyles, Chris Evans and anyone who prefixes their name with the letters D and J (except DJ Campbell, of course, because that’s his real name). Feel free to add your own to this list. We could start a campaign called ‘It’s our game - give it back’. 10. Peter Kenyon This man is the human embodiment of everything that’s wrong with modern football. A man born with a brown nose, this self-confessed “Manchester United fan” jumped ship for a few roubles to play Baldrick to Roman Abramovich’s Blackadder. Now he winds people up by using phrases such as “global branding” and “market forces”. **** People, please take this list with you and implement it where you can. Together we’ll make this game a better place. It’s not all doom and gloom though. Just watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErOqXyymPvk Beautiful, isn’t it? Thanks for reading. “And like that... he is gone”.
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