Football according to Jose Mourinho; a game corrupted by evil referees and an equally satanistic Scotsman, full of dirty divers and pathetic play-actors. Caught in the middle of this are an angelic West London club, the epitome of all that is good and great.

What a load of old tripe. Crazy Portuguese.

It appears as though the pressure is finally getting to a man who is usually as cool as a cumquat. Deluded thoughts spout from his mouth like verbal diarrhoea, as if he is on a one-man crusade to offend everybody he possibly can.

But pay no heed to him - it’s all a front.

An extremely small amount of what comes out of Jose Mourinho’s mouth is fact; it’s all just to whip up media hype and detract attention away from the on-pitch action, especially if his beloved Blues aren’t doing the business. It appears to me as though he says these things purely to create a stigma, a legend that will live on in football for years after he’s popping up daisies. A mythological being, if you like.

Jose’s admirers suggest that it’s all a cunning act, part of his fantastical (wow, that’s a word. Spell-check thinks that it’s fine) managerial skills. Those not so fond of the man make the point that he’s now crumbling after three seasons of intense pressure. Whichever is the case, there is hardly any evidence to back up what has been suggested by the Chelsea manager of late.

On the case of penalties, Mr Mourinho’s claims were simple; there is a conspiracy to award no penalties against Manchester United, and to award none to Chelsea. These claims are wrong, and there’s proof. It’s stuff comparable to an episode of TV football drama Dream Team.

There is a pattern by which the top teams gain the most penalties and have the fewest given against them, while with the lower teams it's reversed. This you would expect, with nifty wingers at top clubs running into the penalty box against hardened traditional English centre backs at lower clubs, which is only going to have one outcome.

However, if you look at the ‘table’ of penalties awarded and conceded by Premiership clubs, then Jose Mourinho is left with egg on his face. Arsenal head the table with eight penalties awarded to them, followed by Everton with seven and Aston Villa on six. Manchester United come down the list with four and Chelsea have had three penalties awarded this season.

When looking at the stats for penalties conceded, you realise that the claims have no substance. Manchester United have conceded three times as many penalties as Chelsea this season, with United having three awarded against them and Chelsea just the solitary one. Add to this the fact that all of United’s have been conceded at Old Trafford and Chelsea have not had any awarded against them at Stamford Bridge. Hardly Dream Team, is it?

Manchester United have got away with some rash challenges in the penalty area, namely on Luton Shelton of Sheffield United and Lee Dong-Gook of Middlesbrough. These incidents were all over the press and conspiracy-obsessed Mourinho raved about it. But take a challenge on Darren Fletcher in the FA Cup semi-final against Watford at Villa Park. A clear cut foul in the area was committed against Fletcher by a Watford defender, but not a word was spoken about it. No protest from United, no crazy ideas about conspiracies brought up by Sir Alex Ferguson.

On the subject of Jose criticising his fellow countryman at United for diving, it’s all tinted with more than a hint of irony. A manager whose team contains the likes of Didier Drogba and Arjen Robben cannot slate an opposition player for simulation, end of story.

Mourinho is wrong. There is evidence to prove that. When he musters up these silly tales of corruption and conspiracy, does he really mean it? Or is it just to deflect attentions away from his flailing team, almost certain now to lose the Premiership title? Perhaps it is to enhance his reputation and create the legend which is slowly forming.

In years to come, Jose Mourinho may not be remembered for his great managerial career but instead for his wars of words and mind trickery, which I suspect is exactly the way he’ll like it.