Straight-talking Voiceoffootball columnist Sam Mellor finds life as a Brighton fan one long waiting game, so to kill time he’s got to grips with some of his footballing likes and dislikes as he puts the beautiful game to rights.

Admittedly Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand and Kieron Dyer might like to look away now, but everyone else can read on (including Sam’s girlfriend)...

Name: Sam Mellor

Occupation: Sales Co-ordinator

First football match you saw: Brighton vs Oldham, October 1988, 2-2.

Sum up being a Brighton and Hove Albion fan: Waiting (for a new stadium) followed by disappointment (after ANOTHER public enquiry is ordered), followed by more waiting, followed by more disappointment (another public enquiry/government investigation enquiry). For the last 10 years.

On the pitch, I’m optimistic. We have a young, gifted side and a young, gifted manager. We have the best youth set-up outside the Premiership, but until we get the new ground sorted we will make no progress whatsoever. Give it another 10 years then.

What do you like best about writing for Voiceoffootball? Getting my sarcasm across to a wider audience.

If you could change one thing in football what would it be? Ludicrous bureaucracy. Players being booked for taking their shirts off, celebrating goals etc when there are players diving left, right and centre and getting away with it. I’d banish the “football celebrities” too; Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole, Rio Ferdinand, Kieron Dyer – the game doesn’t need you. Go on a celebrity TV show and leave the people who still love the game, rather than money and fame, to play it. Beckham is the only exception, because he still plays with a love for the game, and gives 100%.

Any funny footballing anecdotes to share with your fans: In 1991, when I was just 9, I went to watch Brighton vs Liverpool in an FA Cup 3rd Round replay. John Barnes was warming up about 15-20 yards away with his socks pulled up to his thighs. I remember shouting to my friend “Oi, look at John Barnes over there in his tights.” Barnes turned round immediately and started waving. To this day, I swear he was waving to me.

Favourite football quote: “In the first half we were not so good, but the second half was a different piece of cake” – Martin Jol getting confused over English footballing clichés.

Most mischievous transfer rumour you’ve ever heard: Paul Gascoigne was supposedly linked with Brighton a few years ago (just before he went to China).

Who do you have the greatest admiration for in football? Stuart Pearce – honesty personified. Trevor Brooking, for what he is trying to do at the grassroots of the game (long overdue!). Martin Jol for his hilarious meddling with the English language. Zinedine Zidane, Dennis Bergkamp, Gianfranco Zola. Any manager who encourages their team to play attractive, passing football. Any player who shuns the celebrity lifestyle (Michael Owen, Jamie Carragher, Paul Scholes etc).

Sum up your love of the beautiful game: Played properly, football is an art form and its best players are artists. So few people seem to appreciate this. The likes of Zinedine Zidane, Gianfranco Zola and Thierry Henry should be considered as artists on as high a plane as the likes of Leonardo Da Vinci, Picasso etc. I also love playing the game, and nothing in life gives me the same buzz as playing football on a Saturday afternoon. Apart from my girlfriend, if she’s reading this...